Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Understanding, Recognizing, and Supporting

(CREDIT)

October is recognized as Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), a time dedicated to raising awareness about domestic violence, supporting survivors, and promoting education to prevent abuse. This month-long initiative aims to shed light on the prevalence of domestic violence and its devastating effects on individuals, families, and communities.

IMPORTANCE:

Domestic violence is a pervasive issue affecting millions of people regardless of age, gender, race, or socioeconomic status. Statistics reveal that:

1. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence.
2. Nearly 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner.
3. Domestic violence accounts for approximately 15% of all violent crime.

DVAM serves several critical purposes:

1. Raising Awareness: The month helps educate the public about the signs and effects of domestic violence, dispelling myths and misconceptions that can perpetuate stigma and silence.
2. Supporting Survivors: By highlighting resources available to victims, DVAM encourages individuals to seek help and reminds them that they are not alone in their experiences.
3. Advocating for Change: Awareness efforts can lead to policy changes and increased funding for domestic violence services, providing better support systems for those affected.
4. Encouraging Community Engagement: DVAM invites communities to participate in discussions, events, and initiatives that promote healing and solidarity among survivors and advocates.

GET INVOLVED:

There are many ways individuals and communities can engage during Domestic Violence Awareness Month:

1. Educate Yourself and Others: Learn about domestic violence, its impact, and available resources. Share this information with friends, family, and your social networks.
2. Attend or Organize Events: Participate in or host local events, such as workshops, seminars, and rallies, to raise awareness and support survivors. Many organizations host candlelight vigils, walks, or informational booths throughout the month.
3. Wear Purple: Purple is the official color of DVAM. Wearing purple clothing or accessories symbolizes support for survivors and raises awareness about domestic violence.
4. Support Local Organizations: Contribute to or volunteer with local shelters, hotlines, or advocacy organizations that assist survivors. Donations of time, resources, or funds can make a significant impact.
5. Engage on Social Media: Use social media platforms to share information, personal stories, and resources related to domestic violence. Use hashtags like #DVAM, #DomesticViolenceAwareness, or #EndDomesticViolence to join the conversation.
6. Encourage Open Dialogue: Talk about domestic violence openly with your social circle. Encourage friends and family to discuss the issue, fostering an environment where survivors feel safe to share their experiences.

SIGNS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:

Physical abuse is a painful reality that affects millions of people around the world, regardless of age, gender, race, or socioeconomic background. It often takes place behind closed doors, leaving survivors feeling isolated, scared, and misunderstood. By educating ourselves and spreading awareness, we can help dismantle the stigma surrounding abuse and support those who may be suffering in silence. This post aims to shed light on the nature of physical abuse, its impact, and the ways people can find help.

When we hear the phrase “domestic violence,” we tend to focus primarily on physical and sexual abuse while disregarding or not being cognizant of the other forms of abuse.

What is Physical Abuse?

Physical abuse involves the use of force to harm or control someone else. It is one form of domestic violence and can happen in intimate relationships, familial settings, or even in public spaces. Some examples of physical abuse include hitting, slapping, pushing, strangling, or any other physical act intended to inflict pain or injury. Physical abuse doesn’t always involve direct harm to a person; sometimes, it shows up in more indirect but equally damaging ways. One of these behaviors is “punching walls,” which is often dismissed or overlooked as an expression of anger rather than abuse. However, it’s essential to recognize that punching walls or other objects can be a tactic of intimidation and control. This post explores how this form of indirect physical aggression can impact relationships and what steps to take if you or someone you know is experiencing this type of behavior. When someone punches a wall, throws objects, or damages property, they’re demonstrating a form of physical aggression that isn’t aimed directly at another person but still creates a hostile environment. These actions can serve as warnings, intended to convey the potential for direct physical violence if things don’t “go their way.” Often, this behavior leaves the victim feeling intimidated, fearful, and helpless, even though they haven’t been physically touched. In many cases, wall-punching reflects deeper issues within an individual, such as unresolved anger, difficulty managing stress, or a desire to assert dominance in an environment.

What is Sexual Abuse?

Sexual abuse involves any unwanted sexual activity where consent is not freely given or where one party feels threatened or coerced. This abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of age, gender, or background, and often involves manipulation, grooming, or intimidation. It may be carried out by a stranger, an acquaintance, or, most tragically, a trusted individual such as a family member or partner. 

Intimate partner sexual abuse (IPSA) refers to sexual violence perpetrated by a current or former intimate partner. This form of abuse can manifest in various ways, including:

1. Coercion or Manipulation: Forcing or manipulating a partner into sexual activities against their will.
2. Physical Force: Using physical violence or threats to engage in sexual acts.
3. Emotional Abuse: Undermining a partner’s autonomy by making them feel guilty, ashamed, or fearful regarding their sexual choices.
4. Sexual Harassment: Unwanted sexual advances or comments, which can occur in both private and public settings.

Sexual abuse includes various forms, from non-consensual touching and exploitation to sexual assault and rape. Abuse may also take place online, where manipulation or coercion occurs through digital interactions.

Other forms of abuse are: emotional, psychological, and financial.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior where someone uses manipulation, humiliation, or fear to control or dominate another person. Unlike physical abuse, which is typically more visible, emotional abuse chips away at a person’s mental and emotional well-being over time. The abuse might involve criticism, gaslighting, isolation, or threats, all designed to keep the victim feeling inferior, dependent, or unsure of their own reality.

Recognizing the Signs of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can be difficult to spot, especially when it’s happening in close relationships. Here are some common signs:

1. Constant Criticism: The person often puts you down, criticizes your choices, or mocks you, making you feel inadequate or worthless.
2. Gaslighting: They may deny things they’ve said or done, twisting the truth to make you doubt your own memories or perceptions.
3. Isolation: They control who you see and where you go, often discouraging you from maintaining outside relationships.
4. Emotional Withholding: They withhold affection, love, or even basic communication to punish or control you.
5. Humiliation: This includes name-calling, shaming, or embarrassing you in private or public settings to make you feel small.
6. Threats and Intimidation: They may threaten to leave, harm you, or do something drastic if you don’t comply with their wishes.
7. Excessive Control: They try to control your actions, appearance, finances, or daily decisions, often masking it as “caring.”

What is Verbal Abuse?

Verbal abuse uses words to insult, belittle, or intimidate someone. Often, it’s disguised as “joking” or “constructive criticism,” but its real aim is to undermine, hurt, or control the other person. Verbal abuse may happen in romantic relationships, friendships, families, and workplaces, and is often used alongside other forms of abuse.

Common Forms of Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse can take many forms, and abusers may use different tactics to keep their victims feeling trapped and controlled. Here are some common types:

1. Insults and Name-Calling
2. The abuser may use derogatory names, offensive labels, or hurtful comparisons to make the victim feel inferior. This tactic directly attacks the person’s self-esteem.
3. Criticism and Belittling
4. Constantly criticizing, mocking, or diminishing the person’s achievements, ideas, or appearance makes them feel inadequate and insecure.
5. Threats and Intimidation
6. The abuser might use threats, such as threatening to leave, hurt, or ruin the person’s reputation to instill fear and compliance.
7. Gaslighting
8. The abuser may deny events, twist words, or claim the victim is “overreacting” to make them doubt their own perception and sanity, leading them to rely on the abuser’s perspective.
9. Blaming and Shaming
10. The abuser blames the victim for things that aren’t their fault, creating guilt and shame. They may accuse the victim of being “too sensitive” or “dramatic” if they react to the abuse.
11. Trivializing
12. The abuser dismisses or minimizes the victim’s thoughts, feelings, or experiences, making them feel that their emotions and opinions are unimportant or exaggerated.
13. Withholding and Silent Treatment
14. Refusing to engage in conversations or intentionally ignoring the victim can be a form of control, leaving them feeling isolated and desperate for validation.
15. Sarcasm and “Jokes”
16. The abuser may use sarcasm or hurtful “jokes” under the guise of humor, often with the intent of belittling the victim. When confronted, they may claim the victim “can’t take a joke.”

What is Psychological Abuse?

Psychological abuse involves using fear, isolation, guilt, and intimidation to control another person. It can happen in any relationship—romantic, familial, friendships, or even workplaces. The abuser might use tactics like constant criticism, manipulation, isolation, or gaslighting to break down the other person’s self-esteem and sense of autonomy. Often, psychological abuse is subtle and occurs over time, making it harder to recognize than physical abuse.

Common Tactics Used in Psychological Abuse

Psychological abuse can take many forms, but here are some of the common tactics an abuser might use:

1. Gaslighting: This is one of the most recognizable forms of psychological abuse, where the abuser manipulates someone into doubting their own memory, perception, or sanity.
2. Silent Treatment: The abuser ignores or withdraws from the person to punish or control them, leaving them feeling isolated and helpless.
3. Constant Criticism: The abuser may pick apart everything the person does, from their appearance to their decisions, making them feel inadequate.
4. Undermining: They may question or dismiss the person’s goals, abilities, or feelings, subtly discouraging them from pursuing their interests or trusting their instincts.
5. Control and Isolation: The abuser restricts access to friends, family, or activities, creating dependency and preventing external support.
6. Blaming and Shifting Responsibility: They refuse to take responsibility for their actions, blaming the other person for anything that goes wrong and making them feel responsible for the abuser’s behavior.
7. Public or Private Humiliation: Embarrassing or shaming the person in front of others, or criticizing them in private, to erode their confidence.

What is Financial Abuse?

Financial abuse involves controlling someone’s money, resources, or economic decisions to maintain power and control over them. Unlike physical abuse, financial abuse doesn’t leave visible scars, but it can be deeply damaging, affecting a person’s autonomy, confidence, and ability to leave abusive situations. Tactics of financial abuse vary widely, from outright theft and manipulation to more subtle, controlling behaviors.

Common Tactics Used in Financial Abuse

Financial abuse can take many forms, and abusers may use one or several of these tactics to exert control:

1. Restricting Access to Money: The abuser may withhold money, refuse to allow access to joint accounts, or provide only a small “allowance” for basic needs.
2. Sabotaging Employment: The abuser might prevent the person from working, interfere with their job, or sabotage opportunities (e.g., not allowing them to attend interviews).
3. Stealing or Manipulating Finances: The abuser may take money, open credit cards in the victim’s name, or take out loans without their knowledge or consent.
4. Controlling Financial Decisions: The abuser might make all financial decisions, limiting the person’s input or forbidding them from making purchases without permission.
5. Creating Dependency: By limiting access to financial resources, the abuser makes it challenging for the victim to leave the relationship or become independent.
6. Using Debt as Control: They may put debt in the person’s name or force them to co-sign loans, leaving the person responsible for large amounts of debt.
7. Refusing to Contribute Financially: In some cases, the abuser may refuse to work or contribute financially, forcing the person to bear all financial burdens, even when they can’t afford it.

WHEEL OF POWER AND CONTROL:

The Wheel of Power and Control is a model developed in the 1980s by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minnesota, to help people understand the various tactics used by abusers to exert control over their partners. Often referred to as the "Duluth Model," this tool breaks down the dynamics of abusive relationships, showing that abuse is more than physical violence; it includes a range of behaviors aimed at maintaining power over the victim.

Understanding the Wheel of Power and Control

The wheel is divided into segments, each representing different tactics an abuser may use to dominate their partner. Physical and sexual violence form the outer rim of the wheel, often used to reinforce the other forms of control inside the wheel. Here’s a breakdown of the different sections:

CREDIT

DARVO:

DARVO is an acronym describing a manipulative response pattern often used by people who are confronted with their abusive behavior. The term, coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. DARVO is particularly common in abusive relationships but can also appear in various other contexts, such as family dynamics, workplaces, or friendships.

The goal of DARVO is to shift blame, deflect responsibility, and create confusion, leaving the victim feeling uncertain about their experience and, at times, even questioning their own role. This manipulative strategy can prevent the victim from holding the abuser accountable and reinforce a cycle of abuse.

Breaking Down DARVO

1. Deny
2. The first step involves the abuser outright denying any wrongdoing. They may say, "I never did that," "You're imagining things," or "That's not what happened." This denial can be an attempt to make the victim doubt their own perception of events, eroding their confidence and sense of reality.
3. Attack
4. Next, the abuser goes on the offensive, attacking the victim’s character, credibility, or intentions. They might call the victim "too sensitive," accuse them of "overreacting," or imply that they are "making a big deal out of nothing." This attack is meant to deflect from the abuser's actions and to intimidate or discredit the victim.
5. Reverse Victim and Offender
6. Finally, the abuser positions themselves as the real victim and paints the victim as the offender. They may accuse the victim of unfairly blaming or "attacking" them, claiming things like, "You’re the one hurting me" or "I can't believe you're accusing me of this." By reversing roles, the abuser attempts to elicit sympathy and make the victim feel guilty for speaking up.

Examples of DARVO in Action

1. In Relationships: A partner who has been unfaithful might deny cheating, then accuse their partner of being "controlling" or "paranoid" for bringing it up. They might even claim that their partner’s questions are damaging the relationship, making the partner feel at fault for their concern.
2. In Workplaces: An employee reporting harassment may hear their harasser deny the allegations, then attack them by questioning their professionalism or loyalty. The harasser may also claim they feel "victimized" by the accusations, attempting to flip the narrative and place the blame on the reporting employee.
3. In Family Dynamics: A parent or sibling confronted about toxic behavior might deny any wrongdoing, then label the person confronting them as "disrespectful." They may go on to insist that they are the ones being treated unfairly, making the victim question whether they were wrong to bring up the issue.

Remember, DARVO is a tactic used to control and disempower, and knowledge about it is a tool to reclaim your voice and power.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month serves as a vital reminder of the importance of recognizing, addressing, and preventing domestic violence. By raising awareness, providing support, and promoting education, we can work towards a future free from violence and empower survivors to reclaim their lives. It’s essential to foster a culture of understanding and support, ensuring that all individuals can feel safe and respected in their relationships.

If you or someone you know is experiencing the various forms of domestic abuse, please know that support is available and healing is within reach. By standing together, we can help end the cycle of abuse and build a safer world for everyone.

RESOURCES:

Here are some valuable resources for domestic abuse survivors, offering support, shelter, counseling, and advocacy:

National Resources

1. National Domestic Violence Hotline
2. Website: thehotline.org
3. Phone: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788
4. Provides 24/7 support, information, and resources for individuals experiencing domestic violence. Offers a confidential and safe environment to discuss options.
5. RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
6. Website: rainn.org
7. Phone: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
8. Offers support for survivors of sexual violence, including a national sexual assault hotline and resources for recovery and advocacy.
9. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
10. Website: ncadv.org
11. Focuses on education, advocacy, and providing resources to end domestic violence. Offers information on local services and national campaigns.
12. The National Resource Center on Domestic Violence (NRCDV)
13. Website: nrcdv.org
14. Provides resources, training, and support to individuals and organizations working to end domestic violence.
15. Women’s Law
16. Website: womenslaw.org
17. Offers legal information and resources for survivors, including state-specific resources and help navigating the legal system.
18. Love is Respect: Text “LOVEIS” to 22522
19. Mental Health America (MHA):
20. Website: mhanational.org
21. Phone: 1-800-969-6642
22. A community-based nonprofit dedicated to addressing the needs of those living with mental health conditions and promoting overall mental health.

Local Resources

1. Local Domestic Violence Shelters and Services
2. Many communities have shelters and support services for survivors. Use the National Domestic Violence Hotline or NCADV websites to find local organizations that offer shelter, counseling, and legal assistance.
3. State-specific Resources
4. Each state may have domestic violence coalitions or organizations that provide tailored support. Check the state resource directory on the NCADV website for localized support.

Additional Support Services

1. Therapists and Counselors Specializing in Abuse
2. Consider seeking therapy from professionals experienced in trauma and domestic violence. Websites like Psychology Today provide directories for therapists by location and specialization.
3. Support Groups
4. Many local organizations and online platforms offer support groups for survivors. These provide a safe space to share experiences and connect with others who have faced similar challenges.
5. Legal Aid Services
6. Organizations such as Legal Aid or LGBTQ+ Legal Advocacy Organizations offer legal advice and representation for survivors navigating custody, divorce, and protective orders.

Resources for Specific Populations

1. The Hotline for LGBTQ+ Survivors
2. Phone: 1-866-488-7386
3. Offers support tailored to LGBTQ+ individuals experiencing domestic violence, providing resources and community connections.
4. Children and Youth Resources
5. Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453
6. Supports children affected by abuse and provides resources for parents.
7. Culturally Specific Resources
8. Various organizations cater to specific communities, such as Asian/Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence or Black Women’s Blueprint, offering culturally relevant support and resources.

BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS:

Here are some book recommendations that can help individuals navigate abusive relationships, understand the dynamics of abuse, and empower them to seek change or healing:

For Survivors of Abuse

1. "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft - This book offers insights into the psychology of abusive men, helping survivors understand the patterns of abuse and the mindset of their partners.
2. "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts and You Don't Know Why" by Joan Torres and Susan Forward - Torres and Forward draw on case histories and the voices of men and women trapped in these negative relationships to help you understand your man's destructive pattern and the part you play in it.
3. "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond" by Patricia Evans - Evans outlines the dynamics of verbal abuse and provides strategies for recognizing and addressing it, offering practical advice for survivors.
4. "Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A Workbook for Women" by Mary M. L. L. Long and Kathleen A. Holt - This workbook provides tools and exercises to help survivors process their experiences and work towards healing.
5. "It’s Not You, It’s What Happened to You: Confronting Trauma in Your Life" by Christine C. Courtois - This book explores the impact of trauma on relationships and offers insights into healing and recovery.
6. "Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping for Your Love to Change" by Robin Norwood - Norwood examines the patterns of women who find themselves in unhealthy relationships, providing insights and strategies for breaking the cycle.
7. "The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker - While not exclusively about abusive relationships, this book teaches readers to trust their instincts and recognize danger, empowering them to take action.
8. "Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody - This workbook helps individuals understand codependency and abusive patterns, providing strategies for recovery and building healthy relationships.

For Understanding Relationship Dynamics

1. "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel van der Kolk - This book explores how trauma affects the body and mind, providing insights into healing and recovery from traumatic experiences, including those from abusive relationships.
2. "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller -Understanding attachment styles can help individuals recognize unhealthy patterns in their relationships and make more informed choices about their partners.
3. "In She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders" by Jennifer Finney Boylan - Although primarily a memoir, Boylan's exploration of identity and relationships provides insights into the complexities of human connections, including issues of abuse and acceptance.

For Abusers Seeking Change

1. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover - This book addresses unhealthy relationship dynamics and encourages men to take responsibility for their actions, promoting personal growth and healthier interactions.
2. "The Abuser's Playbook: A Guide to Understanding and Changing Abusive Behavior" by Peter D. Gaffney - Aimed at individuals seeking to understand and change their abusive behaviors, this book offers insights and practical strategies for growth.

Until next time...

Sharon